Perfectly useless things you can buy for your car

The list of aftermarket equipment you can buy for your car grows annually.

This trend isn’t new; add-ons have been around for almost as long as the car itself. Some modifications are tasteful, and the hot-rodding scene wouldn’t exist without them, but there’s a fine line between the useful and the useless. Crossing it will needlessly cost you money.

Here are the items we’d avoid ordering.

Fake emblems

We’re always puzzled when we see an AMG emblem on the back of a Mercedes-Benz A180. Someone not the least bit interested in cars likely won’t understand what AMG stands for. Those who know will tell right away that they’re looking at a base A-Class, not a fire-breathing A45. The same goes for GTI emblems on a standard Golf and M3 logos on a BMW 320d. These add-ons don’t fool anyone.

Spoilers

High-horsepower cars like the Bugatti Chiron Pur Sport rely on a massive rear spoiler for downforce; it’s what keeps them glued to the ground. If your car didn’t come with one, however, it’s likely because it has no use for it. An Audi A3 doesn’t need additional downforce to drive to the grocery store.

Scoops and vents

Scoops and vents serve a specific purpose when they’re installed on a race car. Adding them to your daily driver will have little to no effect on performance and tacking fake ones onto the body is even worse. They look cheap and, if you’re truly concerned about performance, you’ll know they create drag.

Reflective tape

Emergency vehicles, like ambulances and police cars, need reflective tape to be seen by other motorists in extremely hazardous conditions. There’s a good chance the hatchback you drive daily is visible enough with its standard lights so there’s no need to decorate its exterior with extra reflective material.

Headlight eyelashes

Headlight-mounted eyelashes often seen on so-called cute cars like the Volkswagen Beetle and the Fiat 500 needlessly ruin the overall design. They can also leave nasty residue when you try to peel them off to sell the car. Eyelashes belong on your eyelids, not on your headlights.

Scissor doors

Scissor doors look cool on supercars like the Lamborghini Aventador, but they really don’t add much to a Volkswagen Golf or a Mini Cooper. It’s a modification that costs a lot of money to do properly, too, while making it more difficult to get in and out of the front seats.

Portable espresso machines

Although an in-car espresso machine might sound like a good idea if you’re going on a road trip, it’s a costly device that will take up space in your car and potentially cause a burning mess. If you need a coffee, the best advice we can give you is to stop somewhere, stretch your legs and buy one.

Neon lights

Adding neon lights to a car’s interior or exterior turns heads on the auto show circuit. In the grocery store parking lot, however, it’s at best a way to remember where you parked and at worst a way to draw unnecessary attention to yourself. These add-ons can take a toll on the charging system, too.

Car bras

In theory, fitting a car bra is a good idea because it protects the front end from rock chips that can turn into rust bubbles. In application, they also ruin the paint over time by trapping debris and humidity. Transparent bras that are glued onto the car are a better solution but they become opaque over time.

Navigation devices

Few motorists need an aftermarket GPS in 2020. If your car isn’t equipped with navigation, the best and cheapest way to get directions from point a to point b is to use one of many smartphone applications available, like Google Maps or Here. They’re free and just as accurate as a standalone device. 

Aftermarket exhaust tips

Installing an aftermarket exhaust tip (or three) won’t unlock additional horsepower. If you want to upgrade your exhaust system, invest in a full line that runs from the engine’s cylinder head to the tip. This solution will help you gain a little bit of power, though the difference won’t be drastic.

Carbon fibre wrap

Automakers like Lamborghini and McLaren use real carbon fibre to save weight. Wrapping part of your car, like the boot lid or the mirrors, with a material that looks like carbon fibre has the exact opposite effect. Even if it doesn’t weigh much it still adds weight and it’s never going to look quite right.

Magic leak sealers

Using aftermarket products that claim to fix headgasket or radiator leaks are like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound that needs stitches. They might keep your car going for a few weeks or months but you’ll merely put off the inevitable. The best way to fix a leaky headgasket or radiator is to replace it.

Fuzzy steering wheel covers

Fuzzy steering wheel covers serve two purposes. First, they make your steering wheel look like a tie-dyed cow from the Scottish Highlands. Second, they make your car really difficult to steer, especially if you need to make an emergency manoeuvre. Your car doesn’t need bovine flair or hazardous steering.

Body kits

Aftermarket body kits are a questionable addition to just about any car. Looks are entirely subjective, of course, but remember they might make driving over a speed bump tricky by reducing your car’s ground clearance. Some of the more poorly-built ones will start looking tired after baking in the sun for a few years, too, meaning you’ll need to replace parts or get them painted again if you want your car to look right. We’d pass.

Oversized wheels

Installing oversized wheels comes with few advantages and many disadvantages. If you go too big, you’ll compromise your car’s comfort, especially over bumpy roads, while running the risk of damaging body panels. Upgrades are sometimes necessary (to find better or cheaper tyres, for example) and there are instances where you might think your car looks better with aftermarket alloys; that’s totally fine, of course. If your car was sold new with 14in rims, however, putting it on 21s is not advisable.

Too much chrome

Chrome looked awesome on American cars in the 1950s. It’s not quite as elegant on a late-model SUV, especially considering many of the add-ons that flood the aftermarket in 2020 are essentially shiny bits of flimsy, low-quality plastic. If it wasn’t there to begin with, it’s best to keep it off.

Wild paint jobs

Before you paint your car in an adventurous new hue, ask yourself what effect the colour will have on its resale value. Would the next owner want to cruise around in a shiny purple car? And, remember that new cars are painted as bare shells so every area – including the engine bay and the door jambs – matches. To do it right, you’ll need to remove the drivetrain and strip every part from the interior, which is time-consuming and expensive. You’ll otherwise end up with purple doors and a white engine bay.

Stuff that doesn’t belong on a car

There’s a good reason why cars are made with purpose-designed parts, not odds and ends you can find at the local hardware store. If a component breaks, it’s always a good idea to replace it with a suitable one instead of improvising. We’ve seen pieces of lumber used as bumpers (pictured), soda cans used to patch up an exhaust system, clear tape over rear lights and other horrific sights.

So I shouldn’t modify my car?

It’s your car, it’s your money and it’s ultimately your call. We’re not urging anyone to keep their car 100% stock but, as always, common sense goes a long way when it comes to aftermarket upgrades. Making basic modifications to the engine, the braking system and the suspension using parts from trusted vendors is a far wiser use of time and money than splurging on scissor doors and Lexus lights.

If you do start replacing parts, we suggest making sure the modifications are reversible and keeping the original. The next owner will thank you, as will your bank account.