If the Covid-19 pandemic hadn't struck, the last year could have been very different. From Lance Stroll's Aston Villa debut to Donald Trump's radical new way to protect cars from cyber attacks (by injecting them with bleach), these are our highlights from the year that never was.
January
* Nothing of note happens in Wuhan, China.
* Billionaire investor Lawrence Stroll’s bid to buy a major stake in Aston Martin is foiled when Geely, buoyed by a surging Chinese car market that isn’t slowed by, say, a pandemic, raises its bid and snaps up the British firm. Stroll surprisingly pivots to buy Aston Villa and announces plans to rebrand his Racing Point Formula 1 team after the Premier League football club for 2021. Coincidentally, Lance Stroll is named as Villa’s new centre forward.
* Buoyed by its success in returning the Toyota Corolla to the British market, Toyota announces plans to revive its dormant Corona name for a new large saloon. Absolutely nobody spots any potential unfortunate issues with this name whatsoever.
February
* Continuing the trend of Chinese firms buying defunct European car brands, a group of Chinese investors snap up the rights to the Reliant name and announce plans to launch a range of bold, three-wheeled electric vehicles. The firm appoints one Mr D Trotter as head of its UK operations.
* Following a report revealing the lifetime CO2 impact of its EV production, Polestar affirms its commitment to transparency by releasing a new report showing the school grades achieved by all of its employees. “It’s important that people think about education when they buy a new car,” says boss Thomas Ingenlath.
March
* The Geneva motor show takes place as planned. As is tradition, car journalists attending the press days spend lots of time grumbling about how there were more unveilings in the good old days and how the crowds at conferences are now only three deep. “For us, motor shows are still very important,” says one manufacturer’s boss. “It’s crucial that the key figures in the industry all gather once or twice per year in a confined hall with below-average air-con. Nothing would ever stop us doing that.”
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Nice to know someone else is fed up with the Chinese buying everything and filling the world with dirty money (and dirty viruses).
Praps a bit of an overload of it in this article, mind.
Apart from the ones I wasn't intelligent enough to get, quite a funny article.