The 12 used cars of Christmas: Bangernomics special

Pick up the extended family at the station: Ford S-Max

Years built: 2006-2014

Price: £995

Is there anything more depressing than a people-carrier? Indeed, is there an experience worse than picking up your least favourite uncle and auntie, who’ll be with you for the duration? Well, instead of buying just any old lump with lots of seats in it, there is always the S-Max. At least it doesn’t look like a reconstituted van and it certainly doesn’t drive like one. So even if the passengers are not much fun, the drive certainly will be. 

Early ones seem to have had electrical problems so check the operation of the air-con, entertainment systems, heated windscreen and anything else connected to a button. There have been recalls, so you need to see a history to be fully reassured. Plenty of engine options: the 2.3 petrol is great as an alternative, but the 2.0 TDCi diesel is the most ubiquitous and so easy to find. Avoid a smoky one.

It’s worth checking: Electrics. Sunroofs, which have stuck and leaked in the past.

One we found: 2007 2.0 TDCi, 220k miles

Power into 2019 with optimism: Alfa Romeo GT

Years built: 2003-2010

Price: £1000

When Christmas is over, it’s important to face up to the new year with confidence and optimism. That’s why I’ve gone bonkers and plan to run with an Alfa GT to get me into 2019. I know the Brera is good-looking and it will eventually be as cheap but, right now, a grand’s worth of GT should be more than enough to keep you entertained. 

There are some flimsy bits, of course, especially the door handles. Otherwise, watch out for warning lights and sensor issues. 

Most GTs in circulation are JTD diesels, which can get through water pumps, but they do deliver decent economy and a good rump of torque. I like the petrols, and if you can find a thirsty V6, treat yourself. 

Even if the unthinkable happens and the GT breaks down, it remains a real thing of beauty, even on the back of a flat-bed.

It’s worth checking: Electrics. ABS and airbag warning lights. Broken door handle. 

One we found: 2004 2.0 JTS, 118k miles

Let’s go food shopping: Volvo V70

Years built: 1996-2001

Price: £1450

Goodness knows how many times you will have to go the supermarket. Better to get there and back as fast as you possibly can. The place is full of idiots like you buying more food that you don’t need and fighting over the last Norfolk turkey. That’s why we need a Volvo and, more particularly, one of those old BTCC-style T5s. 

It is amazing that they haven’t been priced hugely upwards like those RS Audis with their limited cargo capacity. By contrast, a V70 is just waiting to be packed full of food. Not only that, it will do a maximum, but governed, 155mph and get to 60mph in just over six seconds, if you like that sort of thing. 

Mind you, they can be quite clapped. Suspension and the turbo, plus some electrical issues, can spoil the ownership experience. What won’t spoil is the killer combination of space and thumping performance.

It’s worth checking: ABS light. Suspension overall and ball joints. Smoky turbo.

One we found: 2000 T5, 99k miles

Hot hatchback Christmas present to yourself: Mini Cooper

Years built: 2001-2006

Price: £1500

Don’t see why everyone else should get great presents and have all the seasonal fun? In that case, treat yourself to one of those newfangled Minis. Well, they are not exactly new any more, but they did defy depreciation for what seemed like an eternity. Right now, though, the best early ones are at banger prices. For model designation freaks, you will be looking at the R50 Cooper and possibly the R53 Cooper S. 

You need to be careful because they can have a lot of age-related and neglect issues, such as clutches going early, rusty sills and worn or shot suspension. Really noisy electric steering isn’t good and brakes are often at the end of their lives when sold. 

It’s best to buy a Cooper with a load of recent bills after the owner has got fed up with it. When new, they were usually specced quite well but you want at least Pepper trim on a Cooper. 

It’s worth checking: Clutch. Oil leaks. Rust on the door sills. Brakes.

One we found: 2005 Cooper, 139k miles

Escape the ‘Busiest travelling day ever': Audi TT

Years built: 1999-2006

Price: £1000

Motoring organisations are always at it, saying that it’s Black Friday, Tailback Tuesday or something, so let’s tackle those depressing epithets by being tucked inside a design classic. Here’s a coupé that gets better with each passing year and, it seems, cheaper. Before there is a dead-cat bounce, get in a 225 for a grand. 

You won’t regret it although they are starting to show their age. Now they may need a suspension overhaul and, at the very least, a preventative cambelt job, if there is no evidence of replacement in the past five years. The Haldex transmission should be refreshed every couple of years, too. Electric issues are not unknown and the instrument pack can pack up. Cosmetics are an issue because fixing or replacing panels is pricey. However, TTs seem to be rust resistant so far. 

If you find a good one, keep it. This will be the best Christmas present to yourself possibly ever. 

It’s worth checking: Suspension. Instrument pack failure. 

One we found: 2001 1.8 225, 163k miles 

Spot the first snowflake: Mercedes-Benz C-Class Sport Coupé

Years built: 2001-2008

Price: £1095

Panoramic roofs at this time of the year are great because you just might see Santa’s sleigh – or was that a shooting star? Never mind, you will be alerted to the first sprinkles of snow with one of these fitted and there are lots of choices, such as a Vauxhall Astra or Renault Mégane. But it’s better to go for this rumpy little Mercedes (CL203, to the fans). 

It’s much more distinctive than the current crop of amorphous Mercedes hatches. The Kompressor engines are great and all you really need is a 180, but a 200 or 230 offers a decent turn of speed. Then again, for economy’s sake (40mpg-plus), any of the CDI diesels is an equally solid performer but they do seem to have more potential reliability issues. 

It is always best to find a cosseted example. These cars weren’t built at the peak of Mercedes’ quality control and there can be bangs, rattles and electrical niggles, but this is still a smart and sensible car. 

It’s worth checking: Diesel’s turbo and injector seals.

One we found: 2002 C180, 110k miles

Drive to the North Pole to see Santa: Subaru Forester

Years built: 2002-2008

Price: £1500

You may not go quite as far as the North Pole, but you might have to brave the elements and drive to one of those winter wonderlands where the trees are sprayed white. There is no shortage of 4x4s around and many are now quite blobby and no more than a muddy MPV. But the Forester has a personality, especially with the punchy turbo, making it a hardcore estate that is up for some proper rough stuff. It is quick enough and the engines, even the 2.5s, are pretty tough. These turbos are hard to sell because of the poor fuel economy and Subaru’s lack of school-run cachet. 

The Forester is very reliable when maintained properly. It needs a cambelt every five years and mechanics recommend that the tensioners and water pump are also changed. If used in off-road anger, there could be the start of rot on the front and rear subframes. Most versions have everything you need but ensure yours is at least XT trim. 

It’s worth checking: Roll bar bushes and drop links. Rust. 

One we found: 2008 2.5 XT Turbo, 126k miles

Sneak away early doors from a dull party: Renault Twizy

Years built: 2012 onwards

Price: £3995

You can usually tell pretty quickly how a gathering is going to turn out. It could be the company, or maybe the food. You can tiptoe out of the place, but the crunchy drive and the sound of your V8 would be rude. An EV or hybrid would make escape easier. 

Any banger EVs? Well, that might be a Reva G-Whiz for £1300. Would I sell one of those to my worst enemy? Naaah. Instead, what about a Twizy, which does not have any real doors and is technically too pricey to be a banger? Still, it’s cheaper than a restored milk float (£15k-plus). 

There should not be too many problems with any EV but some owners have had home-charging issues and niggly fault codes. However, it will be chilly in December, so wear an overcoat, plus you might have to walk the last mile.

It’s worth checking: Charging issues. Fault diagnosis, er, faulty.

One we found: 2013 Twizy, 1800 miles

Christmas dinner transport: Peugeot 607

Years built: 1998-2008

Price: £1050

If you want to keep the relatives sweet, then breeze down to the pub for some seasonal grub in something suitably wafty. I think a 607 will be a controversial choice. It only has to last for a day, though. Still, it does not have the sense of occasion of an Audi A8, but A8s can cost so much to fix. So let’s stick with the 607 while you can still find them in the classifieds. 

For a grand, you’ll get a car that is large and well equipped enough. There can be a lot of warning lights for random things like tyre pressures, ABS and even a door that’s ajar. If that sort of sensor-related nonsense annoys you, then a 607 is not for you. 

There are a few petrol V6 ones but most are HDi diesels, which means there can be DPF issues unless the car is given some proper exercise. In Executive spec, there are rain-sensing wipers and a troublesome electrically operated boot. 

It’s worth checking: Lots of warning lights, ABS and so on. DPF (diesel particulate filter).

One we found: 2008 2.2 HDi Executive, 130k miles

Go tree shopping: Saab 9-3 Convertible

Years built: 1998-2003

Price: £695

It has to be done: you’ve got to get a tree and what cooler way to go shopping for one than in a convertible? Indeed, that is not just literally cool, but possibly sub-zero if the weather takes a turn for the worst. We miss Saab in general and the 9-3 in particular. One of the major selling points of this old model is the considerable rear seat area, which has plenty of room for the odd Scots pine, as well as people. 

The 9-3 isn’t a driving machine, but none of that matters. There are still loads around and they can take six-figure mileages. Best to avoid the neglected ones and you don’t need the complication of a turbo unless there is a lot of history with it. HOT engines offer only a warm sportiness. A plain 2.0 or 2.3 are more than adequate. 

The specs can get complicated but all you need is an SE. The revised 2003 model will be a little pricier.

It’s worth checking: Reliable, but smoking turbos and coil pack failures. 

One we found: 1999 2.0 SE, 134k miles

Christmas Eve town centre infiltration vehicle: Toyota Yaris

Years built: 1999-2015

Price: £500

You haven’t bought anyone anything? The local petrol station forecourt has been stripped of barbecues, flowers and chocolates. Which means you need to brave the town centre in something that is nippy and purposeful. A three-door early 2000s Yaris is absolutely perfect. 

Prise off the hubcaps and run it on matt black steelies and no one will mess with you. There are GS, Sport and CDX options, but even base models have all you need for a raid on the shops. You won’t care if someone puts a dent in your dirt-cheap Toyota.