How to buy a banger

Buying Bangernomically means buying wisely but also buying differently.

Many of the traditional checks are largely irrelevant. Paint a bit iffy? Irrelevant. Dent on the door? The more the merrier. Terrible colour? Stain on the seat? Well go and buy a cover. Cosmetics really aren’t the issue.

Neither are specifications or engine sizes for that matter. It’s all about buying the most car for the least money, using cash that you can actually afford to spend. So here’s my step-by-step guide to landing a banger that’s worth your bucks.

STEP ONE: GET BANGERNOMICS SENSES

Are you in the market for a used car after years of company and leased cars? Or are you a first timer with a freshly minted licence? Then you need to tune your senses and spend a lot of time looking at used cars for sale. So use your EYES to look critically at all cars on the street or in the car park. Decide what’s right and wrong with them and how much you would pay.

Use your EARS to listen to cars that pass you in the street. Do they sound healthy? What do you think the problem is? Don’t forget to use your NOSE. Just be generally nosey and curious about cars. Drive different ones whenever you can.

STEP TWO: CONDITION IS KEY

There is no excuse for buying an unroadworthy heap. Mileage is irrelevant, unless it is a diesel as they are complex and difficult to fix, or a tiny petrol in a shopper which could be worn out too. The overriding factor is the condition.

It must have an MOT and do important things like start and stop. It must not make any nasty noises, belch smoke or drive all over the shop. Make sure that is the case by looking carefully at the following… oh, and take a mate with you.

STEP THREE: UNDER THE BONNET

You could look for rot around the suspension mounts or bulkhead. Remove the dipstick and look at the oil. Ideally it should be clean (honey-coloured, not black) and at the correct MAX level on the dipstick with no hint of bubbles or water bubbles. Unscrew the oil filler cap, which should be free of any milky deposits.

Unscrew the radiator cap. Can you see any oil or rust in the water? Are the hoses secure, perished or covered in gaffer tape? Look at the clutch and brake fluid levels too. Ideally you want to see a clean, dry, leak-free environment, subject to those pesky covers.

STEP FOUR: AROUND THE BODY

Although we don’t care what it actually looks like, it really is important that all the doors open, shut and lock. If you spot serious rot in the sills, bulkhead or floor, it's time to swiftly walk away.

STEP FIVE: TYRES

You can kick them if you want. They can tell quite a story. It would be nice to see the same branded tyre on every axle because that suggests that somebody has cared for the car. Certainly they must be legal and reasonably treaded. Remoulds, bulges, bald spots and a mixture of different tread patterns are bad, as are gouged alloys.

STEP SIX: PAPERWORK

If there isn’t any, then make your excuses and leave. It’s a pain to get it replaced and doesn’t reflect well on the last keeper of the car. At the very least you ought to see the registration document, an MOT and perhaps a few sundry bills if any significant or substantial repairs have been carried out.

STEP SEVEN: START THE ENGINE

If the seller has pre-warmed the engine before you turn up, be wary. They will have done this for a reason, usually because it’s a swine to start from cold. With a diesel it might be worn out and lacking compression. Ask the mate you’ve brought along with you to stand at the back and check whether an unhealthy amount of smoke is emitted from the exhaust when you turn the key. 

STEP EIGHT: PLAY WITH THE BUTTONS

As you wait for the engine to warm up, take the opportunity to assess the cabin. Where possible, adjust the seat and steering for comfort. Prod and press all the buttons on the console to find out what does and doesn’t work.

STEP NINE: TEST DRIVE

Engage the gears and pull sharply away. If you hear a ‘clonk’ on a rear-wheel-drive car, it could be a sign that the propshaft needs replacing. Is the car equipped with a manual gearbox? As you accelerate, it should not jump out of gear – if it does, it needs attention. An automatic transmission should change smoothly and quietly. Does the car feel sluggish compared to the kind of car you are used to?

It may be that the engine needs a simple and cheap tune, or it could be that the engine is about to expire. It may also suggest catalyser failure. You don’t want to hear crashes, bangs, screeches or whines. The steering shouldn’t pull to the side and the suspension shouldn’t crash, bang or sag.

STEP TEN: AFTER THE DRIVE

Look under the bonnet with the engine running. Are there leaks, smoke or strange noises? If you like it, get it MOT’d. You pay. Get a data check to make sure it isn’t stolen, on finance or a write-off. If you’ve discovered anything that the seller hasn’t brought to your attention, that’s an excuse to chip the price. Start with a low offer, explain your reasoning and work upwards from there.

How to make your banger last longer

This requires common sense, rather than in-depth technical knowledge. Be observant and also break the habit of a lifetime by reading parts of your owner’s manual.

It takes just a few minutes checking, cleaning and fussing every week to make a big difference. After just a few weeks you and your car will notice the difference. It will run better, last longer and be cheaper to run.

What to keep an eye on

Check and change your oil regularly. Oil is the lifeblood of your car, providing vital lubrication, so look at the dipstick before every journey and make sure it nudges the ‘max’ mark. Also change the oil often, especially if you only cover short journeys, at least every six months. Check other levels too, such as brake fluid and water. You will soon notice if there are sudden drops and a garage can identify any problem, put it right and stop any major damage.

Look to see if there are any fluid leaks from hoses or loose belts. Also if you hear any strange noises, get them investigated before a minor fault becomes a major expense. Of course, regular servicing is a must and so is bodywork hygiene. Cleaning keeps corrosion at bay and also means you inspect every area of the car carefully.

Which countries should you aim for?

Often it is dangerous to generalise, especially in nationalistic terms, but the products from some countries seem to particularly fit the Bangernomics ethos.

Japan and the Far East

Any Japanese car, and indeed any Korean or Indonesian car that is based on a Japanese car, seems to have an infinite life provided it is regularly serviced. There’s a reason why the cheap Mazda 626 and the old Nissan Primera both made perfect modern minicabs; they are ideal to last several lifetimes.

Germany

While the German reputation for over-engineering and high quality has produced Audi, Volkswagen, Mercedes, BMW and Porsche, bywords for reliability and long life, that reputation has suffered in recent years.

It is the vehicles designed and built in the 1980s, such as the pre-1996 5-series, Golf Mk2 and Polos, the Mercedes 190 and E-classes built before 1995 which are the most revered.

Britain

Old Rovers based on even older Hondas, like the early ‘90s Rover 200, do well. Otherwise Brit cars haven’t had the best reputation for reliability and you need to skip a generation to find simpler designs, so it’s practical classics such as Land Rover Defenders and your maiden Aunt’s Morris Minor.

Mind you, those BMW-related 75s (pictured) are getting quite a Bangernomic following now.

Sweden

Tough motoring conditions in Scandinavia bred the strong Saab and Volvo marques. Despite having being owned by General Motors and Ford respectively in the past, their models can still take massive mileages in their stride.

The Saab 9-3 (pictured), older generation 900 and Volvo 850/V70s can be around for the long haul. Parts can be expensive, but that’s what salvage yards are for.

France

Recently they’ve become quite complicated, but Peugeot 406s (pictured) are especially tough, particularly in diesel form.